[SS]Rator
05-09-2005, 11:32 AM
What happens when different parts of the armed services encounter snakes:
Infantry: The snake smells them and leaves the area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Supply: Their anti-snake equipment is on backorder.
F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (it was too hot). Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake as cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infra-red.
B-52 pilot: Kills snake and every other living thing within two miles.
Intelligence officer : Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active.
We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
Infantry: The snake smells them and leaves the area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Supply: Their anti-snake equipment is on backorder.
F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (it was too hot). Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake as cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infra-red.
B-52 pilot: Kills snake and every other living thing within two miles.
Intelligence officer : Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active.
We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.